Cancer charity Maggie’s Aberdeen has released a new statistic revealing that two thirds (67%[1]) of people living with cancer, either themselves or with a partner with cancer, believe that the diagnosis and subsequent treatment has had an impact on their relationship.
The survey revealed a number of reasons couples gave as to why their relationships were affected including the change of roles within the relationship - with someone suddenly taking on a new carer role. Feelings of stress, anger, fear, sorrow and worry all were cited as putting a strain on the relationship.
And while many people find cancer brings them closer together – spending more time together due to the multiple hospital appointments, and spending more quality time together to make every moment count – the profound changes cancer brings can in fact drive a wedge between a relationship.
Jenny Makinson, clinical psychologist at Maggie’s Aberdeen says: ‘It can be a difficult time when you or someone you care about is trying to deal with cancer. Diagnosis and treatment for cancer can lead to many physical changes, but also emotional changes too. These can affect personal relationships, including changes in mood, change in appearance, fatigue, lack of motivation, loss of libido, pain and discomfort. These symptoms can create additional pressure on a relationship, which can lead to withdrawal and isolation, and you may feel like you are drifting apart from your partner.
‘Opening the channels of communication is the best thing to do if you’re worried that things are going off kilter, but this can be easier said than done. Many people feel embarrassed or are scared of feeling vulnerable by starting conversations about sex and relationships. At Maggie’s Aberdeen we can provide advice on how to approach difficult conversations with your partner and are here to just listen to how you feel if it all suddenly gets too much. We understand what people are going through and the key thing is that you’re not alone.’
Maggie’s has outlined some tips on how to manage relationships, both romantic and friendship, when a loved one has cancer:
- Be gentle with yourself when it comes to interacting with others. You might find yourself snappy, grumpy or short tempered – this is understandable and at times, unavoidable. Make amends, talk it over when you're calmer, and try and give yourself a break. Self-criticism will only make things worse
- We all like to try and protect our loved ones from distress. This can lead to us keeping things to ourselves, increasing a sense of isolation. Try and remember that we’re not upsetting someone else if we talk about something upsetting. The emotions are there anyway, and being together with these feelings is better than experiencing them alone
- Remember you do not have to take on all the responsibility for updating friends and family about what is happening. Perhaps ask someone close to you to take on this role, with agreed rules such as who is to be told what, and how
- Low mood, anxiety and fatigue can lead us to withdraw and become isolated. While you should make sure you have time to yourself, when you feel like it try and maintain even just a small amount of contact within important relationships. Perhaps even warn friends and family that this might happen and ask them to reach out to you in a way you find easy to manage
- Don't be afraid of telling people what you need; give them guidance in how they can support you and what you need from them
- Remember no-one can read minds - even though we often think we can! At times of heightened emotion or pressure, especially within very close relationships, watch out for how you react to what you think someone means, rather than what they actually said
- Give friends, family and loved ones the permission to just be with you, in your company, without the need to say or fix anything
- Consider the various ways you can be intimate with a partner, using clear communication about what you are comfortable with. For example, if sex is uncomfortable or there is a loss of libido try using massage, skin to skin contact or kissing as an alternative
- Encourage those who care about you to get their own support if they are struggling with the emotional impact of your diagnosis, such as from Maggie's Aberdeen.
Maggie’s Aberdeen provides practical and emotional support for all those living with cancer, with 22 Centres across the UK. Emotional support for all those who are struggling to articulate how they’re feeling to loved ones includes drop in support, one to one sessions with a clinical psychologist and support groups including our six week Where Now? course.
If you would like to speak to someone at Maggie’s please contact us on 01224 645928.[1] Social media poll of 150 people who like the Maggie’s Centres Facebook page, January 2018